Hippitty Hop...

Easter is almost upon us, and yet ANOTHER Sunday off for me...now I kind of like having one off here and there, but I think I am just so used to working them that it throws me all off! At least I don't have the entire weekend off (yes, I believe I just DID say that!...wow...with valid reasons, when I have a weekend 'off' I have 973401750 other things that come along to do! God forbid I have a day off to myself, right?)...but it's still slightly confusing to my overworked on the weekend's self. Easter should be fun this year! Hayley is really excited and I think she'll help Brady and get really into it (as long as she's not shoving him out of the way or throwing him down so she can get ALL of the eggs,we're good!). The Easter Bunny still needs my help with getting all the goodies and getting them together, so I'll do that tomorrow, along with the eggs and decorating them and such! I really should make a list so that I don't forget everything! It has been a trying few weeks with Hayley...maybe months? But either way, all of those blogs on myspace about being a bad mother are coming back to haunt me. It seems to be different things, but it's getting worse and more intense. She KNOWS what she is doing, I know she does. Between the backtalk and the attitude and the ignorance, I just don't really know what to do anymore... I try, I really do, but she pushes and pushes and my patience is already thin to begin with. I just fear something terrible, and I think that things are only going to get worse because it is too deep in and I don't know how to fix them. Every chat with the doctor is 'oh, that's normal'. Sorry, but clearly you did NOT learn about this in medical school, because come spend a couple of days in my shoes, and you will want to bang your head against a wall, HARD...and then bang someone else's even harder! She gives the babysitter an attitude, but mostly reports aren't TERRIBLE, so unless I am getting only part of the story, it is semi-rare, or at least dealable for her. She does it with Matt too...and of course there is ALWAYS someone who has an answer for how to fix it or make her stop, but nobody ever wants to HELP me fix it...I'm on my own in that department. That makes it all the more hard to fix! You try not to yell, but she just pushes on and you HAVE to...and then I scream like a freakin' maniac and then I get upset with myself...along with other feelings and actions and as much as I WANT to make things better, I just don't know how. I REALLY have tried SOOOO many things and without intervention of getting her OUT of being 'there' as much as she is, or having someone from the outside take a look at the situation, I REALLY just don't know anymore...I love her...obviously, but I miss her so much when she isn't here, and sometimes it is hard for her to understand that I imagine, because of the way things usually go when she IS here, because she has very little respect for me normally...and Matt...and things aren't handled as well as they probably should be, but really, I DO try and it is SO hard! NOBODY I know could possibly understand this...and it's painful to me...it's upsetting and it puts me in a terrible place and feeling...things HAVE to change...I just don't know where I get the fight I have to try anymore... Enough depressiveness, I just REALLY needed to get that out...I've been feeling terrible about it for a long time and more-so lately, probably because of other things going on... Anyway, looking forward to getting home from work (and helping out that bunny!) tomorrow and getting down to the fun stuff...oh, and to hear 'Daaaaaaddy's gonna pick me up on eeeeaaaaaster!'...LOVE THAT! --*me