Never once when you're trying to find your fairytale do you think, 'Wow, what if my Prince Charming turns out to make my life an absolute living hell to the point where when I think it can't get any worse, it in fact does, and twice over??' That doesn't happen, you brace for the most magical day of your life and think that all those wonderful thoughts and plans you had growing up are going to come true and you will, in fact, live happily ever after...{hint: The stress that happens from when you get engaged until your wedding day should be a sign enough that it's a BAD idea...a very very BAD idea!}
I know that I'm about to turn into someone who just plain sounds disgruntled with love and all that goes with it, but I promise you I'm not...it's just right now is so trying to my strength and any ounce of patience I had left in me, I can't find the good in love and marriage. Even couples that are "happy" aren't happy without working their asses off... I think that marriage was created back in the day because life span was short and people weren't able to see what happened after 10-20 years.
I am so baffled as to where my life has ended up, there is nothing that makes sense to me about how I landed in this hell. I love my kids to the moon and back but I fully regret so many choices I have made in my life... there was no road that was blessed to get me here, there was no wonderous event, no amazing journey... it's been a hike over molehills and mountains, rocks and boulders scattered everywhere, mud and puddles, snowstorms and hail... you name it, it has happened and somehow I am still trucking.
A couple of weeks ago I got a tattoo on my wrists, Italian wording 'Essere Forte' which means 'Be Strong'. For the longest time I wanted to write 'Just Breathe' or 'Deep Breaths' as a way to remind me to take a moment and breathe and I WILL make it through, but when I was contemplating the things I wanted on my wrists I came out with 'Essere Forte' because right now my strength is being tested at full force and I tell myself that I need to be strong, and when I though it, and looked at the Italian translation it hit my right in the face "This is it!". I'm glad I did it and I have had a couple days where I reverted to them for a small reminder... Today would have been a great day to do this, but instead I turned to tears and wallowing in my own self-failure. Well, there's always tomorrow...
