My next 30 years...

We're in single digit countdown {5} for my entering my third decade on this earth and I think I've settled down on the freaking out to be turning 'OLD', and have turned my efforts into trying to make better choices on where I wanna be with my life...some that have required tough decisions, ones I never thought I would have to make. 

We all have our timeline dreams of where we think we will be and I've hit most of my timeline dreams...not by force, they just happened...and it's like my dreams are falling apart...but I think they've done so much damage that I'm at peace with it and semi-excited to be on to the next...The next {I would guess} year or so is about to be a whirlwind of hell and excitement and I just am so ready for it, yet so unprepared. 

I do plan on celebrating the hell out of my birthday...it's on Thursday, and I'm hoping to be feeling well from then until sometime Monday morning :)  And enjoying time with friends and a little bit of family...of course it's a big fiasco with the status of my marriage.  I don't want him out with us...I want to enjoy myself and the combination of our past and the past few months and alcohol is just a REAL BAD one.  And as painful as it may be, and as mean as it may sound without any backround it just needs to happen if I want to enjoy my birthday {{past events have included jealousy --which has since spiked insanely-- fighting, over drinking, blowing everything out of proportion...and I just don't wanna do that this year}}. 

So, a little family dinner, a little Salem Happenings and a lot of Boston shenanigans and a bit of wishing I was going to the Pats game should make for a fun-filled fabulous dirty thirty celebration!

I will leave you with a song written by Phil Vassar and performed by Tim McGraw that I will live {mostly} through to coordinate my future life and dreams...

I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years

Hey my next thirty years I’m gonna have some fun
Try to forget about all the crazy things I’ve done
Maybe now I’ve conquered all my adolescent fears
And I’ll do it better in my next thirty years

My next thirty years I’m gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I’m doing here
In my next thirty years
**************************************************up to about here : ) lol
Oh my next thirty years, I’m gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late
Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers
Maybe I’ll remember my next thirty years

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life
Raise a little family and hang out with my wife
Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear
Make up for lost time here, in my next thirty years
In my next thirty years

Just roll with it...

Life has been utterly, disgustingly complicated lately and I have thrown in the towel on more than one occasion.  I'm hoping that blogging regularly is something I will now accomplish and will help me to make it through the vast difficult times that I have encountered as of late, and will continue to ahead...

A couple of months ago I was left babysitter-less and unable to find affordable child care, and so I was 'laid off' from work and only go in when I can, leaving me to be a mostly 'stay-at-home-mom', something I said I never really thought I could handle or would want.  Being able to work a couple of days is fine, and something I had built into my plan if I could have ever been able to be a stay-at-home-mom (with the economy and bills and my financial screw ups, just never thought it would be possible, and I guess it kind of still isn't ideal, but it's working...for now), but I still need 'FUN' adult time...Don't get me wrong, I do get that, but it always seems to come at a price.

I haven't really talked too much about my current life situation with many, and I guess that while I know that people I know will be able to read this, I also know a lot of people I don't know could possibly read it, and maybe everyone can be sort of a crutch for me...I really need a couple crutches right now...

I don't intend to 'spill all my beans here', but anything that I feel is 'okay' if anyone reads I will write...and I just hope that it makes me feel better...somehow...

When 2010 was left in the past I had really hoped 2011 would gear us up for some new and exciting and BETTER times...2010 had a lot of heartache because we lost a lot of people...near and dear and also just people who had been in my life...2011 had started off with some really good times...lots of sporting events, playoffs, (some of these of course also came with a 'price' as well, of course...why would anything be easy?) concert plans and just enjoying life...It also brought attempts to fix relationship problems by many outlets (personal attempts, counseling, separation)...and it is going to end with a milestone birthday that I hope lives up to all my expectations I am making, but am just planning on it being a disappointment (just like the thought of turning 3 centuries old)...

Unfortunately the hard times of 2011 have taken a huge mental and emotional toll on me where I saw the lowest of the lows and I don't see that as being alleviated anytime soon unfortunately.  This is definitely going to be one of those situations where they say "It'll get worse before it gets better".

My thoughts are so jumbled and all over the place I just can't even think of where to begin with anything...so, in an attempt to climb over those 'mountains' that I only wish were mole hills, I am trying to 'Just roll with it' and hope that when it all comes to where it should be that there will be a pot of gold at the end of my rainbow and I'll be able to smile a whole lot more...

...Till next time.

Corona with a Memory...

So, the hubby is out and I'm watching sleezy movies, lol...well, movie, Grey's is on shortly...and I just have so many things running through my mind...and right now that includes missing some people... Corona #2, and I started to download pics...well... so far only one...but still. 2010 brought So many terrible things, and very minimal great things (but the great things were GREAT!). I attended 5 funerals from January to November and 3 of them were very near and dear to my heart, 2 were people, while not close, left a stamp, nomatter how small or big... I miss my great-grandmother and great-grandfather soooo bad...they were in my life for 28 years and were so special to me...I always dreaded "the phone call" and believe me, it was as bad as I thought it would be...the first devestating...I didn't even hang up the phone before losing it...I didn't even make it thru the door at the funeral home without breaking down. The second was easier...it was like he had left us to be with her again, and while I am in no way religious, I do believe that they are together, holding hands (or her bitching at him) watching down on all of us, guiding us...I swear when I had Jakob, the rocking chair was rocking and Gram was sitting there with us... Or maybe him...he always loved when we came by with the kids and they all loved him... And then Cheryl...such an unexpected tragedy :( ...she's watching over us too...sending us sunshine when she can... And my greatness, the birth of my son, Jakob...he is so wonderful :) and I swear that my g-g's are partially in my son, and that's wonderful... My attention span has dropped due to Grey's beginning, and I had my mini-missing-people-meltdown, sooooo...I'm leaving this entry with good thoughts... <3 RIP Morgan, Gram, Grandpa, Cheryl and Rob... Always in our hearts, but never forgotten...