Balancing Act...

Things have been pretty tough around here lately...lots of drama and lies and blah blah blah...  So much so, that I don't even think I remember half of the crap anymore and have fully emotionalized my feelings on it all... {to the point that I'm now making up words...I think lol} and I just make jokes out of things because of the ridiculousness that is just that.

I wanna be that person who starts to spin some positive, in a non-annoying the crap out of people way.  I can't stand the people who are full-on-positive, because in reality they are full-of-crap.  Life's yins are meant to have yangs {assuming that yins are good and yangs are bad, but if not, just vice versa that for me}.  There's always a sense of balance in all aspects of life... in relationships you are always going to have fights, if you didn't it wouldn't be healthy, but it's when that becomes the norm when it turns unhealthy, and I'm pretty sure we're so far past this point.

I guess part of what got me where I am is the realization that I didn't wanna just go with the flow anymore and take it all in stride.  I wasn't happy, so I made a stand to do something about it, and it started off rather small and has now elapsed into a web of lies and nastiness and what was supposed to help not only me, but my relationship has quickly turned into a hellish ride that I'm begging to get off of. 

Perception is a scary act, especially when used as the forefront of all basis; meaning that if you use perception to fight your battles, then you're pretty much just making shit up because anything can be made to look like something it is not.  If I have learned nothing else from all of this, I have learned that ASSUMING is a BAD BAD BAD thing!  And if I ever enter another relationship I will not assume or perceive anything without gathering some facts to back it up first.

So, I guess where I was attempting to go with this was that I wanna be a person who people aren't always assuming that I am dishing out only negative things or pissy all the time...and I guess it's just been hard to convey due to all the circumstances {that I don't feel should be shared with the entire world - but apparently I'm the only one in this who thinks that}.  My goal is to share some yang with all my yin {cuz I looked it up now and found out YIN is the bad and YANG is the good}... kind of like a high/low or best/worst... whether it be for the day, the week, a reflection of past events, whatever.  So, starting now, I will make that my aim, to end each post with a yin and a yang, and to also attempt to spread it to Facebook.

My last week's Yin/Yang:

Yin:  All that was Wed/Thu of last week, relationship-wise, and things I saw that while part of me wishes I never saw, I am glad I did, because it just confirmed the kind of people some are.

Yang:  Most definitely, without a doubt, going to the Patriot's playoff game on Saturday...absolutely EPIC! {Hoping this will be my Yin for next week too!}

Today was a ... Nightmare...

Never once when you're trying to find your fairytale do you think, 'Wow, what if my Prince Charming turns out to make my life an absolute living hell to the point where when I think it can't get any worse, it in fact does, and twice over??'  That doesn't happen, you brace for the most magical day of your life and think that all those wonderful thoughts and plans you had growing up are going to come true and you will, in fact, live happily ever after...{hint:  The stress that happens from when you get engaged until your wedding day should be a sign enough that it's a BAD idea...a very very BAD idea!}

I know that I'm about to turn into someone who just plain sounds disgruntled with love and all that goes with it, but I promise you I'm not...it's just right now is so trying to my strength and any ounce of patience I had left in me, I can't find the good in love and marriage.  Even couples that are "happy" aren't happy without working their asses off... I think that marriage was created back in the day because life span was short and people weren't able to see what happened after 10-20 years.

I am so baffled as to where my life has ended up, there is nothing that makes sense to me about how I landed in this hell.  I love my kids to the moon and back but I fully regret so many choices I have made in my life... there was no road that was blessed to get me here, there was no wonderous event, no amazing journey... it's been a hike over molehills and mountains, rocks and boulders scattered everywhere, mud and puddles, snowstorms and hail... you name it, it has happened and somehow I am still trucking.

A couple of weeks ago I got a tattoo on my wrists, Italian wording 'Essere Forte' which means 'Be Strong'.  For the longest time I wanted to write 'Just Breathe' or 'Deep Breaths' as a way to remind me to take a moment and breathe and I WILL make it through, but when I was contemplating the things I wanted on my wrists I came out with 'Essere Forte' because right now my strength is being tested at full force and I tell myself that I need to be strong, and when I though it, and looked at the Italian translation it hit my right in the face "This is it!".  I'm glad I did it and I have had a couple days where I reverted to them for a small reminder... Today would have been a great day to do this, but instead I turned to tears and wallowing in my own self-failure. Well, there's always tomorrow...

2012 has arrived, and it hasn't brought anything 'happier' thus far, making me wonder more and more why the universe hates me so much.  I understand it's only 3 days in, but it's gearing up to be pretty brutal and a lot of cuckapoo to deal with... {for lack of a more adult word}...

Things are going to be trying here, over the next however many months, and my emotions are all over the place.  I don't know how to respond to most things, because all I really want to do is break and destroy things, and that really will not help anyone.

The holidays were okay, they included a new 'inspirational tattoo' to help me overcome obstacles and remember to continue to believe in myself, and now they're over, and now we move on to digging through the pile o' crap and making something out of it I guess.  I really know in the end, this is the best for me and essentially the kids, and it was not an easy decision by any means, but needed to be done. I just don't know when that 'end' will come and I'm really not prepared in any way shape or form for it {other than gaining my personal/mental stability back}.  I'm scared, or maybe terrified, but also looking forward to a possiblity of happiness again, it just feels like it's been so long. 

2011 should be dubbed 'Year of the Rollercoaster'... I had SO MANY amazing moments, but it really was overpowered by the worst moments {other that death, 'cause that was 2010--Year of a thousand deaths} and it sucks to almost put the great moments in the background because of it.  When I think of 2011 I attempt to think of all the regular season and playoff games I got to attend, all of the incredible concerts, the amazing times with friends... because those times were epic and were what could have made 2011 be one of the best years of my life.  But instead, all of the craptastic times blow out of the ass that was 2011 and make those times seem like just a blip in my mind.

2012 is 3 days in, and I already {still} hate my life, I already ache, I already contemplate just how rock bottom I am at and what actions to possibly take ... let's hope that horse shit ends soon, because I don't know how much more strength I have in me.

Here's to 2012, and if it's going to happen, may the end of the world be the end of everyone's and not just mine ...