Balancing Act...

Things have been pretty tough around here lately...lots of drama and lies and blah blah blah...  So much so, that I don't even think I remember half of the crap anymore and have fully emotionalized my feelings on it all... {to the point that I'm now making up words...I think lol} and I just make jokes out of things because of the ridiculousness that is just that.

I wanna be that person who starts to spin some positive, in a non-annoying the crap out of people way.  I can't stand the people who are full-on-positive, because in reality they are full-of-crap.  Life's yins are meant to have yangs {assuming that yins are good and yangs are bad, but if not, just vice versa that for me}.  There's always a sense of balance in all aspects of life... in relationships you are always going to have fights, if you didn't it wouldn't be healthy, but it's when that becomes the norm when it turns unhealthy, and I'm pretty sure we're so far past this point.

I guess part of what got me where I am is the realization that I didn't wanna just go with the flow anymore and take it all in stride.  I wasn't happy, so I made a stand to do something about it, and it started off rather small and has now elapsed into a web of lies and nastiness and what was supposed to help not only me, but my relationship has quickly turned into a hellish ride that I'm begging to get off of. 

Perception is a scary act, especially when used as the forefront of all basis; meaning that if you use perception to fight your battles, then you're pretty much just making shit up because anything can be made to look like something it is not.  If I have learned nothing else from all of this, I have learned that ASSUMING is a BAD BAD BAD thing!  And if I ever enter another relationship I will not assume or perceive anything without gathering some facts to back it up first.

So, I guess where I was attempting to go with this was that I wanna be a person who people aren't always assuming that I am dishing out only negative things or pissy all the time...and I guess it's just been hard to convey due to all the circumstances {that I don't feel should be shared with the entire world - but apparently I'm the only one in this who thinks that}.  My goal is to share some yang with all my yin {cuz I looked it up now and found out YIN is the bad and YANG is the good}... kind of like a high/low or best/worst... whether it be for the day, the week, a reflection of past events, whatever.  So, starting now, I will make that my aim, to end each post with a yin and a yang, and to also attempt to spread it to Facebook.

My last week's Yin/Yang:

Yin:  All that was Wed/Thu of last week, relationship-wise, and things I saw that while part of me wishes I never saw, I am glad I did, because it just confirmed the kind of people some are.

Yang:  Most definitely, without a doubt, going to the Patriot's playoff game on Saturday...absolutely EPIC! {Hoping this will be my Yin for next week too!}

Today was a ... Nightmare...

Never once when you're trying to find your fairytale do you think, 'Wow, what if my Prince Charming turns out to make my life an absolute living hell to the point where when I think it can't get any worse, it in fact does, and twice over??'  That doesn't happen, you brace for the most magical day of your life and think that all those wonderful thoughts and plans you had growing up are going to come true and you will, in fact, live happily ever after...{hint:  The stress that happens from when you get engaged until your wedding day should be a sign enough that it's a BAD idea...a very very BAD idea!}

I know that I'm about to turn into someone who just plain sounds disgruntled with love and all that goes with it, but I promise you I'm not...it's just right now is so trying to my strength and any ounce of patience I had left in me, I can't find the good in love and marriage.  Even couples that are "happy" aren't happy without working their asses off... I think that marriage was created back in the day because life span was short and people weren't able to see what happened after 10-20 years.

I am so baffled as to where my life has ended up, there is nothing that makes sense to me about how I landed in this hell.  I love my kids to the moon and back but I fully regret so many choices I have made in my life... there was no road that was blessed to get me here, there was no wonderous event, no amazing journey... it's been a hike over molehills and mountains, rocks and boulders scattered everywhere, mud and puddles, snowstorms and hail... you name it, it has happened and somehow I am still trucking.

A couple of weeks ago I got a tattoo on my wrists, Italian wording 'Essere Forte' which means 'Be Strong'.  For the longest time I wanted to write 'Just Breathe' or 'Deep Breaths' as a way to remind me to take a moment and breathe and I WILL make it through, but when I was contemplating the things I wanted on my wrists I came out with 'Essere Forte' because right now my strength is being tested at full force and I tell myself that I need to be strong, and when I though it, and looked at the Italian translation it hit my right in the face "This is it!".  I'm glad I did it and I have had a couple days where I reverted to them for a small reminder... Today would have been a great day to do this, but instead I turned to tears and wallowing in my own self-failure. Well, there's always tomorrow...

2012 has arrived, and it hasn't brought anything 'happier' thus far, making me wonder more and more why the universe hates me so much.  I understand it's only 3 days in, but it's gearing up to be pretty brutal and a lot of cuckapoo to deal with... {for lack of a more adult word}...

Things are going to be trying here, over the next however many months, and my emotions are all over the place.  I don't know how to respond to most things, because all I really want to do is break and destroy things, and that really will not help anyone.

The holidays were okay, they included a new 'inspirational tattoo' to help me overcome obstacles and remember to continue to believe in myself, and now they're over, and now we move on to digging through the pile o' crap and making something out of it I guess.  I really know in the end, this is the best for me and essentially the kids, and it was not an easy decision by any means, but needed to be done. I just don't know when that 'end' will come and I'm really not prepared in any way shape or form for it {other than gaining my personal/mental stability back}.  I'm scared, or maybe terrified, but also looking forward to a possiblity of happiness again, it just feels like it's been so long. 

2011 should be dubbed 'Year of the Rollercoaster'... I had SO MANY amazing moments, but it really was overpowered by the worst moments {other that death, 'cause that was 2010--Year of a thousand deaths} and it sucks to almost put the great moments in the background because of it.  When I think of 2011 I attempt to think of all the regular season and playoff games I got to attend, all of the incredible concerts, the amazing times with friends... because those times were epic and were what could have made 2011 be one of the best years of my life.  But instead, all of the craptastic times blow out of the ass that was 2011 and make those times seem like just a blip in my mind.

2012 is 3 days in, and I already {still} hate my life, I already ache, I already contemplate just how rock bottom I am at and what actions to possibly take ... let's hope that horse shit ends soon, because I don't know how much more strength I have in me.

Here's to 2012, and if it's going to happen, may the end of the world be the end of everyone's and not just mine ...

My next 30 years...

We're in single digit countdown {5} for my entering my third decade on this earth and I think I've settled down on the freaking out to be turning 'OLD', and have turned my efforts into trying to make better choices on where I wanna be with my life...some that have required tough decisions, ones I never thought I would have to make. 

We all have our timeline dreams of where we think we will be and I've hit most of my timeline dreams...not by force, they just happened...and it's like my dreams are falling apart...but I think they've done so much damage that I'm at peace with it and semi-excited to be on to the next...The next {I would guess} year or so is about to be a whirlwind of hell and excitement and I just am so ready for it, yet so unprepared. 

I do plan on celebrating the hell out of my birthday...it's on Thursday, and I'm hoping to be feeling well from then until sometime Monday morning :)  And enjoying time with friends and a little bit of family...of course it's a big fiasco with the status of my marriage.  I don't want him out with us...I want to enjoy myself and the combination of our past and the past few months and alcohol is just a REAL BAD one.  And as painful as it may be, and as mean as it may sound without any backround it just needs to happen if I want to enjoy my birthday {{past events have included jealousy --which has since spiked insanely-- fighting, over drinking, blowing everything out of proportion...and I just don't wanna do that this year}}. 

So, a little family dinner, a little Salem Happenings and a lot of Boston shenanigans and a bit of wishing I was going to the Pats game should make for a fun-filled fabulous dirty thirty celebration!

I will leave you with a song written by Phil Vassar and performed by Tim McGraw that I will live {mostly} through to coordinate my future life and dreams...

I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years

Hey my next thirty years I’m gonna have some fun
Try to forget about all the crazy things I’ve done
Maybe now I’ve conquered all my adolescent fears
And I’ll do it better in my next thirty years

My next thirty years I’m gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I’m doing here
In my next thirty years
**************************************************up to about here : ) lol
Oh my next thirty years, I’m gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late
Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers
Maybe I’ll remember my next thirty years

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life
Raise a little family and hang out with my wife
Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear
Make up for lost time here, in my next thirty years
In my next thirty years

Just roll with it...

Life has been utterly, disgustingly complicated lately and I have thrown in the towel on more than one occasion.  I'm hoping that blogging regularly is something I will now accomplish and will help me to make it through the vast difficult times that I have encountered as of late, and will continue to ahead...

A couple of months ago I was left babysitter-less and unable to find affordable child care, and so I was 'laid off' from work and only go in when I can, leaving me to be a mostly 'stay-at-home-mom', something I said I never really thought I could handle or would want.  Being able to work a couple of days is fine, and something I had built into my plan if I could have ever been able to be a stay-at-home-mom (with the economy and bills and my financial screw ups, just never thought it would be possible, and I guess it kind of still isn't ideal, but it's working...for now), but I still need 'FUN' adult time...Don't get me wrong, I do get that, but it always seems to come at a price.

I haven't really talked too much about my current life situation with many, and I guess that while I know that people I know will be able to read this, I also know a lot of people I don't know could possibly read it, and maybe everyone can be sort of a crutch for me...I really need a couple crutches right now...

I don't intend to 'spill all my beans here', but anything that I feel is 'okay' if anyone reads I will write...and I just hope that it makes me feel better...somehow...

When 2010 was left in the past I had really hoped 2011 would gear us up for some new and exciting and BETTER times...2010 had a lot of heartache because we lost a lot of people...near and dear and also just people who had been in my life...2011 had started off with some really good times...lots of sporting events, playoffs, (some of these of course also came with a 'price' as well, of course...why would anything be easy?) concert plans and just enjoying life...It also brought attempts to fix relationship problems by many outlets (personal attempts, counseling, separation)...and it is going to end with a milestone birthday that I hope lives up to all my expectations I am making, but am just planning on it being a disappointment (just like the thought of turning 3 centuries old)...

Unfortunately the hard times of 2011 have taken a huge mental and emotional toll on me where I saw the lowest of the lows and I don't see that as being alleviated anytime soon unfortunately.  This is definitely going to be one of those situations where they say "It'll get worse before it gets better".

My thoughts are so jumbled and all over the place I just can't even think of where to begin with anything...so, in an attempt to climb over those 'mountains' that I only wish were mole hills, I am trying to 'Just roll with it' and hope that when it all comes to where it should be that there will be a pot of gold at the end of my rainbow and I'll be able to smile a whole lot more...

...Till next time.

Corona with a Memory...

So, the hubby is out and I'm watching sleezy movies, lol...well, movie, Grey's is on shortly...and I just have so many things running through my mind...and right now that includes missing some people... Corona #2, and I started to download pics...well... so far only one...but still. 2010 brought So many terrible things, and very minimal great things (but the great things were GREAT!). I attended 5 funerals from January to November and 3 of them were very near and dear to my heart, 2 were people, while not close, left a stamp, nomatter how small or big... I miss my great-grandmother and great-grandfather soooo bad...they were in my life for 28 years and were so special to me...I always dreaded "the phone call" and believe me, it was as bad as I thought it would be...the first devestating...I didn't even hang up the phone before losing it...I didn't even make it thru the door at the funeral home without breaking down. The second was easier...it was like he had left us to be with her again, and while I am in no way religious, I do believe that they are together, holding hands (or her bitching at him) watching down on all of us, guiding us...I swear when I had Jakob, the rocking chair was rocking and Gram was sitting there with us... Or maybe him...he always loved when we came by with the kids and they all loved him... And then Cheryl...such an unexpected tragedy :( ...she's watching over us too...sending us sunshine when she can... And my greatness, the birth of my son, Jakob...he is so wonderful :) and I swear that my g-g's are partially in my son, and that's wonderful... My attention span has dropped due to Grey's beginning, and I had my mini-missing-people-meltdown, sooooo...I'm leaving this entry with good thoughts... <3 RIP Morgan, Gram, Grandpa, Cheryl and Rob... Always in our hearts, but never forgotten...

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

Everyone lies, in one way or another...whether it be to shield someone for the best (or worst), to make a child do something they otherwise would not, just to be vindictive and so many other reasons! I can deal with the silly lies, but the ones that are deep really bother me. I am the type of person who never lets anything go...I may put it behind me, but the BIG (and personal) things really just poke at me forever, and they flare up my emotions from time to time, but they just sit with me... My ex-landlords STILL piss me off...it was a year ago now (almost) that the whole security deposit issue happened, but everytime I think of it I have to like, calm myself down and force myself to stop thinking about it... The entire of me and H's dad's relationship since we have not been together irks me...not that there are so many lies in it, but the money part of it (especially the most recent doings of him 'going behind my back' to take me to court and him 'lying' about his financials, and/or just not caring about doing anything more for himself for her, and also how he really isn't concerned with her well-being, but his own time with her)... But this post is coming about mostly because of a 'former' friend who's blog I just looked at for the first time in a long time and she's not writing too much anymore, but her latest post (almost 2 months ago) was one of those 'pokes'. Her and I were pretty close in that we could really talk about anything and just kind of vent to each other and hold our secrets with each other. She was very heavy and decided that it would be best for her to 'get the surgery', and she really didn't tell ANYONE about it, other than maybe her hubby and the docs of course. So, this was something quite deep that I was happy she shared with me and kind of reflects upon our relationship. When B was born, she helped out a few times watching him, as she hardly worked and is fabulous with children. Now, my husband and I both worked FT in retail, so we tried our best to make our shifts so that we had to have a sitter as little as possible. I guess the relationship with this friend went south the day she said to me, pretty rudely, something along the lines of, 'Isn't this going to be kind of a pain for you to do all the time?'...there was just so much intent behind it, that I didn't even care to speak with her...the situation my husband and I were in, we couldn't afford to spend day care money, nor did I trust some random person to take care of my children, I even offered to pay her and she never gave me a cost, so I didn't do anything...I told a mutual friend of ours (another person who fits into the title of this blog for so many other reasons), who I am now pretty sure told her my feelings on it and what I confided with her in regards to this and I'm not really sure what happened from there, but we really haven't been friends at all since then... So, to the point! She had the surgery, told some more people (employer, some family, and not sure who else) that she had this done, and along with getting the surgery there was a whole exercise and nutrition plan to go along with it before and after of course, and has since become an exercise/nutrition psycho...and I can understand being a little embarrassed/ashamed of having this, BUT when you have turned your life around SO much because of it and have been so active in making sure that you don't ever go back to your prior state, you think you would fess up to this 'secret', ESPECIALLY when you are such an 'honest', 'god-loving' person...but instead, she still goes on and on and on that this nutrition program and a ridiculous amount of exercising is what made her 'who' she is today, and it just pisses me off! And when I just read the blog I just read about it being a year later (or whatever it was) and once again praising the program for her state I kind of flared up my aggressions...lol... I just think for someone to be 'true' and genuine, you have to first be true and genuine to and about yourself and if she can get over that hurdle then I will gain back a ton of respect for her.